We got our tween a phone for Christmas: Our parent-child smartphone contract - WRAL News

RALEIGH, N.C. — "Everyone else has a phone!"

That was the cry from our 12-year-old since the end of elementary school. Since the start of middle school I have polled the parents of her 6th-grade friends, "Have you let them have a phone, yet?" I surveyed the carpool pick-up area, counting the many smartphones I saw students clutching after the school bell rang. I asked my friends with older kids what they did, "So, when did you let him get a phone?"

She wasn't the ONLY one without a phone, but many of her tween peers did use a smartphone as their main device while she sulked at using her old laptop for games or videos. Our daughter is our oldest and not just our technology guinea pig, but our constant reminder that when it comes to parenting, we are always learning along with her.

Being the parents of a middle schooler in 2023 probably differs from a decade ago and is surely not the same as when we were growing up. Tech is part of who this generation is.

My husband and I had analog childhoods and our generation adopted technology quickly. However, our child has been on the Internet since before she was born with my old baby blog. The first photos of her were with a digital camera I then plugged into my laptop to upload. The little-bit-blurry pics I got with my iPhone 3Gs were hard to put on Facebook with the hospital WiFi at the time.

As a preschooler, she loved the Disney Junior games on a second-generation iPad. The kids had that entire year of online school during COVID. More recently, she has had a private Instagram account that I own on my phone and she loves to make silly videos with friends. She gave friends at school my number so she wouldn't be left out of group texts she considered socially important. We've all come a long way.

We made her wait until she turned 12 and she got halfway through 6th grade before deciding she could have a smartphone. During this time I continued my smartphone polling, surveying and advice-seeking. I read articles from experts and even talked to our pediatrician. I came to one major conclusion during this time:

Every family has their own rules for their kids and tech.

Seriously. When it comes to smartphones, screen time and social media access, I heard every possibility. There were parents who made sure they could text their kids as early as 8 or 9. "I need to be able to reach her when she's staying at her dad's house." I talked to moms adamant about the "Wait Until 8th" movement in which parents pledge to not get a smartphone for their child until they are in 8th grade. Some opted to just get their tween a smartwatch for texts and calls only. There are families who pass down an old phone when parents upgraded to a new model. Some parents bought smartphones made for kids by companies like Bark, Gabb or Pinwheel. Others got the newest iPhone or Android, but prohibit any social media apps until their kids are in high school. There are just SO MANY ways parents can go about this.

So, this is what we did as a family. Getting her the phone at age 12, halfway through 6th grade, is the decision my husband and I came to with our child at this time. At the time I'm writing this article, the first week of January 2023, she has had her phone since Christmas Day. We called it as it was wrapped in a gift bag and she had to find her pretty pink iPhone 13 buzzing among the packages under the tree.

This was our reasoning and the parameters we set up for our tween to have a phone:

• Turn 12.
• Show us a solid academic transition into middle school during the first semester by maintaining good grades and showing effort in her schoolwork.
• Keep up with responsibilities at home including chores.
• Show continued dedication to her sports teams that we pay for and spend a great deal of time on.
• Show responsibility with the phone "soft launch" that we've had going as she used mom's phone for a private Instagram account mom owns and texting friends from mom's phone.
• Wait until mom and dad were eligible for an upgrade to our phones through our wireless provider. In our case, it was AT&T. We want her to understand that a smartphone is not a one-time Christmas gift expense, but also an additional charge on our monthly bill. I'll add to this that we shopped for her new phone during a Black Friday deal AT&T had going on to add an additional line to our plan. We also got the newest iPhone 14 Pros, and she has a 13. Through the deal, adding a later model phone for a child was much more affordable. Check with your wireless provider.
• Sign a contract with parents.

There are many free resources for parents online for a child/parent cell phone contracts. You can get cute Pinterest ones to print and hang on the wall, there are contracts by the child's age or faith based contracts. I chose a free, editable one by speaker and author Josh Shipp. I liked this quote from his website. Shipp states, "The goal is to help kids become a well-rounded person who can coexist with technology, NOT be ruled by it." You can download the one he wrote directly to print and sign, or download and edit it specifically for your child. That's what I did. Below is our version of the contract for our child. I altered and added verbiage appropriate for my child at her age. We needed to add lines about keeping the phone in a case, not getting it wet and keeping up with it. If you have an older teen, you may want to add some lines about bill payments or more extensive driving rules. Your child might need the hard deadline times to turn off the phone each night or clear consequences for offenses. Again, every family has different needs.

I. Cell Phone Agreement - RULES

1) I understand that the rules below are for my safety and that my parents love me more than anything in the world. I understand that my parents want to give me freedom, while also giving me enough security to make smart choices. Initial here: ______

2) I promise that my parents will always know my phone passwords and have Apple parental controls and the Bark monitoring app on my phone. I understand that my parents have a right to look at my phone whenever there's a need for them to do so, even without my permission. Initial here: ______

3) I will hand the phone to one of my parents promptly at bedtime every school night and every weekend night before bed. I don't keep it or any technology in my room at night. I will get it back after all my daily morning tasks on the whiteboard are completed. Initial here: ______

4) My phone will always have a screen protector and a parent-approved, drop tested case on it for protection. I won't cram my phone in a bag or backpack, but always have a safe pocket of the bag to keep it in so I know where it is and it does not get damaged. I won't get my phone wet. I understand that my smartphone is an expensive piece of technology that I am responsible for along with all my belongings. Initial here: ______

5) I will not send or receive naked photos or underwear photos. Ever. I understand that there could be serious legal consequences that could put mine and my parents' future at-risk. Initial here: ______

6) Regarding social media, I will never post questionable or inappropriate photos, images or memes. If I feel like it might not be the right thing to do, I won't post it. I will talk to my parents. Initial here: ______

7) I understand that I'm not allowed to add Snapchat, Tik Tok or other social media yet. These are apps that I may possibly earn in the future by showing my parents I'm responsible with my current private Instagram account owned by my mom. Initial here: ______

8) I will never search for inappropriate content, use inappropriate language or do anything else that I wouldn't want my grandma finding. Initial here: ______

9) I won't use my phone to cheat on my schoolwork or help any others cheat. Initial here: ______

10) I will never use my phone to get access to illegal things like alcohol, vapes, tobacco, other drugs or weapons for myself or anyone else. Initial here: ______

11) I will not buy things using my phone without my parents' permission. This includes in-app purchases for things like games on my phone. Initial here: ______

12) I understand that my behavior on my phone can impact my future reputation with peers, other parents, coaches and teachers—even in ways that I am not able to predict or see. Initial here: ______

13) I will tell my parents when I receive suspicious or alarming phone calls or text messages from people I don't know. I will also tell my parents if I am being harassed by someone via my cell phone. Initial here: ______

14) When I'm old enough, I won't text and drive. I understand it's dangerous and stupid. Initial here: ______

15) I will silence, and put my phone away in public–especially in places like church, a restaurant, at the movies, or while speaking with another human being. I am not a rude person. I will not allow the phone to change this important part of who I am. Initial here: ______

16) I will NEVER use my phone to bully or tease anyone, even if others think it's funny. Initial here: ______

17) I will put my phone away when I'm told and I understand that the amount of daily screen time I have is at my parents discretion. Initial here: ______

I understand that having this phone is not a right–it is a privilege that can be taken away. As such, I have read the following document and agree to the above rules. I understand that if I have any questions, I should ask.

___________________________________

Sign here

She signed it this week. Not included is a statement about phones at school because her teachers and administration already have a strict policy in place about devices at school.

She has only had the phone a week so we are sure this contract will evolve, especially as she grows up. I wondered how I might have to change it in a few years when her younger brothers become tweens as technology continues to evolve.

When we discussed the idea of her getting a phone I had this grand idea of getting all business-like and having her sign this contract before unwrapping her very anticipated Christmas gift. We decided that took some fun out of a big present. We just had the phone activated and the Apple Parental Controls on at the start Christmas Day. We decided to deal with the contract and monitoring apps later.

I'm so glad we left the businessy, parental stuff for the new year. Yes, I approved every app and monitored her usage as she got set up, but allowing her room to set up her device as she wanted was really cool. I loved seeing what she wanted. They are a different generation and I marveled at how creative my daughter was with new photography apps and video editing. She changes out her cool cases and accessories. The asthetics were very important to her. Did you know you can change the whole layout of your phone with different apps? I bet your tween knows. She started watching videos and doing extra stretching and training for her sport at home and outlined her goals on a planning app. She wanted to download meditation apps and journaling apps. I think I assumed she'd just want silly games with lots of upcharges and scary social media apps we don't know about yet. I was wrong. I watched her every night, put her phone away to charge without being asked. This was even without a contract. She does not want to mess this up.

Will she make mistakes? Absolutely. Will we make mistakes parenting this? For sure. Was this the right decision? We honestly don't know yet. But, I think this gets us started the best way for our family and our tween.